Sunday, 12 July 2009

Lesbian Vampire Killers

5 Word Review – Lesbian Vampire Killers

Legend, Sword, Comedy, Horror, Vampire

Bit of a longer review - Spoilers


Recently dumped bloke James (the last of a blood line that slayed a Vampire Queen) and his best friend Fletch decide to go on a hiking holiday – to get away from it, meet women and well have lots of sex :) unfortunately for them the village the decide to stay at has a small vampire problem. On entering the village they spot 5 beautiful girls (who are all studying folk law and the legend of a vampire queen) in a camper van, The locals direct James, Fletch and the girls to a cottage where they can stay the night. Thinking their luck is in, Fletch starts to get a little drunk and friendly with the girls.


Their luck changes when the girls get picked off one by one by a family of “lesbian Vampires” leaving only 1 girl (Lottie – who happens to be a virgin!) and the blokes. James’s Ex also turns up at one point – she’s been turned into a vampire on route and ends up with an axe embedded in her head by Fletch after she try's to chow down on James.

The vampires are dispatched one by one – but they eventually capture James and Lottie and use their blood to bring back the Vampire Queen Camilla.


Fletch is then recruited by the local vicar to help kill the vampires and save his friends. After some initial reluctance they join forces and go in search of a fabled sword that will kill the queen. To Fletch’s delight the sword turns out to have a penis shaped handle giving him much mirth :)

Lottie confesses to James that she is a virgin and wants to give her self to James - mind, body and soul – even though she had known him just for a few hours – she knows she loves him ;)


Eventually James and Lottie with the help of the Vicar and Fletch escape the company of Lesbian vampires (who spend a lot of time kissing each other – rather than just eating their victims) The Vicar is killed by the girls – taking time out from their strenuous kissing routine.


The newly resurrected Queen goes after our heroes and manages to get hold of Fletch and Lottie while James is sent flying – luckily the sword also lands near him. The queen then does some weird long split tongue thrashing – rather than ripping the throats out of her captives. Giving James just enough time to wake up, look heroic and throw the sword through the vamps heart.


Queen goes boom and the other vampires turn back into normal humans – although still lesbians. All’s well the ends well. :)


The 3 remaining survivors decide to become “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and drive of into the sunrise – Lottie doesn't seem to sad that all of her friends were turned into vampires that tried to killer her - nor that they are now all dead.


Quite a funny comedy with some good gross bits – i would give it 7/10 – try it. Even if – like me - you don't like Gavin and Stacey (who the main characters star in) its quite a good film.

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